keeping my mind off of my mind

i had no idea what day it was today until i called clifton, who was already at work, and asked. i woke this morning feeling disoriented as to what i was supposed to do today. but then again every day these days seems that way...and i don't like it. completely unmotivated. I have 3 jobs, and yet i haven't worked in almost a month. How does that work you ask? its simple...summer break...and i don't like it. don't get me wrong, school being out is fantastic and i love having Clifton being out of school and working (it makes me feel loved when he works), but i miss working too. a month and a half from now you might hear me singing a different song.

LaLaLa...dobedobedooo. (that's me singing my song)

i guess the main reason i wish i was working is so i can take my mind off of our current situation. to make a long story short, i haven't had that many tragedies in my life, but when they happen, the best way i know how to deal with them, is to get to work. when my Grandma Udall passed away last July, i was lucky to be able to work volleyball camp the next day...keeping my mind off of my mind. then when Grandpa Udall passed, i was driving the womens basketball team on an overnight trip when i got the call saying he died. again, working...keeping my mind off of my mind. this time, it's summer vacation. and i'm not working.

no more beating around the bush...i lost the baby last week. it all happened so fast that there was almost no time to contemplate what was actually happening. i went to see the dr. the morning it happened and he did an internal ultrasound and found nothing. but he said he could tell that i was pretty far along because of the size of the cavity (i was almost 12 weeks). and it didn't hit me until that moment...even though i knew everything had passed through, hearing it from a medical professional broke my heart. this past week has been full of drugs (to contract my uterus), laying down watching t.v. (to keep my mind off of my mind), and not much sleep (because i can't). I am grateful for the fact that this happened now, instead of 20 weeks from now. I also take comfort in knowing i can get pregnant, and that there was nothing i could have done to make this happen or to prevent it from happening. I'm glad 'someone' has a plan.

i've never been one to ask for help or pity. so the point of this post is to inform, not a pity party. i guess i jumped the gun on telling everyone. it's only fair to let the readers know. it's better than running into me at the grocery store and asking me how the baby is. (i've done it before too ;) and since you are the informed crowd, i should let you know what conversations i hate and am not looking forward to;

Them: How old is your son?

Me: He's two. He will be 3 in September.

Them: Wow. Isn't it about time to have another?

I HATE THIS!!!

A word of advise to the clueless...There is nothing worse than going to church and having a woman, who knows little about me and my family, judge me because i haven't had another child yet. but with a straight face, i grit my teeth, trying to control my rage, and nod...as if i agree with them. i know this happens often and i'm not the only one. i also know it will happen again. i really should start keeping stats on this. But, what gives them the right to tell me it's okay, that they are so sorry, and try to give me advise?

SIGH! Breath...all better.

I will tell you what has kept me sane and happy.

this adorable face!

He's my best bud.

even though he steals my oreo's.

i'm grateful for him everyday!