Thoughts about my Grandma

I have been thinking lately about people who are close to me. Mostly because of the state that my dear Grandma is in. My thoughts have been so jummbled that it's been hard for me to gather them and write them down. Some of the following words were borrowed from my cousin Jill with my own inserted. She put it so well and I feel the same way as she does.
Since her lung cancer diagnosis in November, I’ve wondered each time I leave my Grandma if it’ll be the last time I see her alive. I knew she was terminal, I knew she was steadily declining, I knew it wouldn’t be long. So I’m not sure why I was so stunned when my sister called Thursday to say that the hospice nurse didn’t expect her to live out the week. We all knew this moment was coming...How could I not see her one more time? I wasn’t prepared for the state I found her in when I got there on Friday. The previous time I saw her was Sunday, and the drastic change in her condition was devastating. For the first time, she looked like a hospice patient to me. She cant get out of her chair without someone lifting her. She recognizes people and follows conversation, for the most part, but she doesn’t have any facial expressions and hardly verbalizes at all. She said she was glad to have us there but she didn’t really participate much. I think the visiting was more for us than for her.
Uncle Jordan flew in from Ohio and will stay a week. Aunt Lela came on a one way ticket from Utah. She’s staying “until the end” and will just drive back when her family comes for the funeral. We hung on her every word. Anytime she’d talk or even gesture, we’d all lean in and listen closely, trying not to miss a thing. She doesn’t like us to be tearful because crying makes her cough and often throw up.
Grandpa had gone to church with some family while my some family stayed home with Grandma. When Grandpa came home he said, “Hello my love” and she responded, “Hello dear.” He sat next to her and she reached for his hand. She was rubbing his hand with her thumb and he just sat there staring at her. I cant even imagine how hard it is for him to see his sweet, beautiful bride suffering like she is. She’s just not even the same person. Only occasionally did she say or do familiar things.
I don’t want to remember the coughing. I don't want to remember helping her feed herself (with the feeding tube) and rushing to the sink to thow up. I don't want to remember watching her suffer.
We all sat outside their house and watched the 24th of July Pioneer Parade going down Church Street on Saturday. Grandma had us put her into the wheelchair and roll her onto the porch so she could watch the parade and smell the rain.
The last time I saw her I knelt by her chair, held her hand and told her how much I loved her. At that moment, I held back the tears but after I kissed her check and told her I loved her again, I left with reluctancy hoping that it wouldn't be the last time I saw her.
I look forward to the funeral with a fair amount of dread. I’ll cry for sure, but there are only wonderful things to say about her and only sweet memories to be shared by those of us who love her. She has influenced countless lives for good and will surely be welcomed home by loving arms. God will literally be with her until we meet again and what a great day that will be.

UPDATE: This morning, Grandma is not responsive. The time is coming and we are all prepared...but not ready. I'm not ready to lose someone I love.